So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
