Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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