I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
