Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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