Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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