It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
