She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
