The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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