Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
