It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
