I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
please come you make the beer taste better
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We're too hungover to prance.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
