I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
