I wish I could teleport
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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