Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
