the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
