Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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