if i can run in heels then i can drive
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
