Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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