Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
