If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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