Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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