my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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