Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
