I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
