All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
