I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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