i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
