I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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