Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
