I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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