Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i drank out of a bidet.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
