Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
