I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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