I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
