I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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