I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, beer. Big fan.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
