i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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