oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
