By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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