hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
