Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This baby is an asshole
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
