I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i need some magic done to my vagina
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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