theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
