I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
