My room smells like vodka and shame
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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