Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
