I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I supernannyed him into submission
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
