If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
