if we break up, who will get the dealer?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Randomize
