went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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