Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
