I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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