I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
